Archive Notes: This is an English translation and rewritten version of a blog post originally published in Japanese on September 29, 2019. [Japanese version]
Six days have passed since that day.
I took a day off on Thursday, the 26th, because my body had simply reached its limit, but other than that, I’ve been going to the hospital every single day.
On Friday, my sister-in-law and I went together for the first time. Timing was on our side, and we were able to get an update directly from the primary doctor.
It turns out they took another CT scan on Wednesday. The doctor walked us through everything, comparing the new scan with the initial one.
Even though they haven’t done any specific medical treatment to stop the bleeding, it has naturally stopped on its own. The pressure on the brainstem has decreased, and her spontaneous breathing is gradually increasing.
Of course, that doesn’t mean she has regained consciousness, though.
Right now, the ventilator is connected through a tube running from her mouth to her lungs. But that’s just an emergency measure, and they can’t leave a tube in like that for more than two weeks.
So, the doctor told us that next week we’ll face a choice between two options: perform a tracheostomy to keep her on a ventilator, or remove the tube and see if she can breathe entirely on her own.
Naturally, the main prerequisite before removing the tube is that her ability to breathe on her own increases. Until then, they will gradually reduce the ventilator’s assistance while keeping a close eye on her condition.
I had previously received a document from my mother expressing her wish to refuse life-prolonging measures in the event of an emergency, so I showed it to the primary doctor.
If I understood the doctor’s explanation correctly, placing a patient who cannot breathe independently on a ventilator is already considered a life-prolonging measure.
That’s probably why, once a patient is brought to the hospital, they can’t just remove the tube if the patient can’t breathe without the ventilator’s help.
But when you find someone collapsed at home, calling an ambulance is the only thing you can do, right? Which means, inevitably, receiving life-prolonging care.
As for the other option—if she can breathe on her own, they would temporarily remove the initial tube and monitor her.
However, if her breathing stops immediately after removing it, they would have to re-intubate right away, meaning the tube wasn’t truly removed.
Only if the ventilator is removed and she can sustain her own breathing for a while (though no one knows how long), and then her breathing stops due to a sudden change—only then is it possible to refuse re-intubation (which would be the life-prolonging measure).
Neither she nor our family wants a situation where she remains bedridden with only her heart beating while never regaining consciousness.
In fact, it’s easy to imagine that if she were to regain consciousness, she would suffer even more. Watching that happen would be even more painful for the family.
So, for now, whether or not we can get her off the ventilator seems to be the very next step.
What lies beyond that, I just don’t know.
This reality of “not knowing what comes next” sits heavy right in the middle of my daily life.
Every day, it feels like I’m carrying an impossibly heavy load all by myself.
But I’m the only one who can keep carrying it.
I also have my father, who is left behind, to take care of.
It’s just me.
Every day is so overwhelming that I just want to give up.
I wake up early in the morning, but I can’t fall back asleep anymore.
The moment I open my eyes, my head is completely full of endless thoughts and worries.
